Moving On?

I'm beginning to wonder if after 10 short blog entries...whether or not it's time to shut the daily chronicles down and move on to another....

I love to write, but through my writing have realized there is more to me than my daily chronicles while staying home with the kids which I initially forgot when I started writing shortly after the birth of my second child.

I'm probably the most random...non-mom...non kid-focused woman you'll meet. Don't get me wrong...I do a lot to enrich my children through lots of shared time and activity but I lack the attention span to maintain more than one art project every 2 weeks or so (I know...I'll get better...) but we spend lots of time outdoors exploring the city, meeting new people, etc. Okay...there goes that justification again, right?


I love my children and family and wouldn't change anything about the role as mom or wife but as I've said in earlier entries...there's so much more to me...which I would love to write about as well....

I wonder what I should call the new blog...

The Daily Random Chronicles of an Introspective Mother of 2? What if that number turns to 3?

Hmmm....

I need to give it some thought.

There are so many things that I enjoy at any given time...that I want to be careful to not want label or box my blog in.

Perhaps, I could call it Out of The Box (a daily chronicle of one woman's random thoughts while taking care of her husband and kids...

What do you think?

Indulging In Your Passion...

I know that I am going to regret writing this since it's about 11pm and I need to be up at 4am and also have an angry pile of laundry that needs folding...and tomorrow's dinner needs to go in the crock pot overnight...but I had to write this one...

After baking my first batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies this evening (I know....it warms my cheeks and makes me giggle to say this and admit that I had so much fun), I coincidentally came across a blog entry that a friend of mine had written titled: "Indulging Our Passion" at http://www.inspiremama.com/

I read this entry and reflected on my last post about there being more to SAHMhood...

She hit the nail right on the head.

That post was all about taking care of ourselves as mothers and wives...

Not indulging so much in SAHM/motherhood that we overlook ourselves as woman...

Indulging in the things that we hold near and dear...

Filling up our tanks so that we can continue to take care of the ones we love...

Nurturing our inner and outer selves....

Versus...

Sacrificing who we are and what makes us happy...

She posed a couple of really good questions on her page about discovering our passions which made me think...

What are my true passions?

I think part of my SAHMhood resistance is centered around my upbringing...

A bunch of woman who cooked, cleaned, took care of children, and served their husbands but did little else...

While I appreciate their efforts and how well they've taken care of me...

I always knew that I wanted to do more...

But there is a bit of a woman in me who is passionate about taking care of and nurturing her family's needs...and most important...whose passionate about taking care of herself while forging strong bonds with her children.

(I just want to do it wearing black lace, red lipstick, a fresh manicure and high heels...)

But seriously, tonight I rediscovered my passion for baking that honors a family tradition, shares time with my daughter incorporates my growing passion for photography (I'll take pictures of everything we make) while also creating delicious treats that my entire family will enjoy!

I didn't have on any lace while doing it but...it was a great time!

What's your passion?

While at Barnes & Nobles The Other Day....

I thought to myself...

OMG...I can't take it!

Are these mothers this happy staying home, cooking, cleaning, volunteering, baking, visiting, planning, chaperoning, hosting, coloring, painting, and doing endless things for their children without thought or mention of themselves?

How long does this degree of selflessness last?

Five years?

Ten?

Twenty?

Perhaps I'm just selfish...

But it just all seems pretty dull after a while...

What do they talk about with their husbands?

What do their husbands think?

Do they find this SAHM thing interesting, or is the honor and responsibility of fatherhood the only thing that keeps them engaged? Would they rather plan their next date night or talk about a new sexy dress and shoe combo their wife plans to wear on their next night out with friends? Or, would they rather have their wife do a quiet, sexy striptease, void of any child related banter, while the kids are stuffed in and strapped to their beds to prevent any interruptions...

OMG...I'm so immature...

Nah...this is just hella boring...

I mean...how many art & craft projects, pictures and posts, classes, parent groups, books can you read and playdates can you attend before they all become the same?

This mother next to me giving the tutorial on how to discipline kids and the 3 partially engaged woman are driving me nuts...

Don't get me wrong...I love my children....but there is so much more....

Forget it...no more justification...

I'm going down to the cafe for a latte.

Acceptance???

Wow...it's been so long....

Considering that I started this blog as a way to sort out or vent about all of my SAHM feelings/thoughts, does that mean that everything has been okay?

Nah...just haven't had much time to write...

Still trying to live up to the SAHM ideals and quell my guilty conscience that makes me feel terrible that my husband works so hard to take care of the family while, I would (in between my freelance jobs) much rather watch The Doctors, Oprah, or any other talk show that has some juicy gossip or self improvement message than cook and clean or handle some other household chore...

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I had a very interesting conversation with my husband about my ongoing struggle with SAHMhood...

While driving home from the mall after a slight vent session he said, "You know what the problem is...you haven't accepted that you're home with the kids...that's why it's so hard for you..."

And you know...being the super introspective person that I am, I thought about it and came to...he's right...that's exactly why it's so hard!

I can never totally accept it...

I like...no LOVE...

Manicures/ Pedicures, time with friends, late night girl chat, emailing, texting, facebooking from my Blackberry, wearing non-mom clothing, black lace, red nail polish, high heels and doing anything that is unconventional...

Yea...SAHMhood is for the birds...where's my Cosmopolitan and New York Magazine...I'm sure there's an article in there about balancing the life as a SAHM and the trendy ultra-sexy urban life!

There May Be Hope For Us!

So, I'm always looking for products to help preserve a bit of the lady that's now buried deep down inside...beneath the mother bit...

A few days ago, I found (on sale) at Duane Reade a new (or newly discovered by me) Speed Shine 10 Day Top Coat by Sally Hansen that promised to preserve my manicure for 10 days...no chips, dents, scratches, etc. It also promised to dry my nail polish within 30 seconds...sounded too good to be true but I'm a sucker for stuff like this and infomercials, so I'm on 5 days and no chips, dents or scratches!

It did however, take a little longer than 30 seconds to dry completely but it definitely dried faster than any other top coat I've used before; especially considering that it dried solid versus just on top.

I'll give you all an update when I hit day 10! But if you want to try it it's now on sale for $3.62 (in NY) which is a great price!

Where Am I?

Lately, I've been struggling....

It all started well before last Sunday when my 5 year old daughter stood on her tippy toes, tilted her head, swayed her shoulders in a shake it senorita motion and said: "Mommy...you don't dress special anymore...that's why Daddy isn't treating you special. When I get older, I'm always going to take care of myself and dress special...so that way...all the boys will always treat me special!"

For a brief moment, I stood speechless and terrified that my daughter has this idea about such a complex topic which could mean so many different things about herself or her view about women in relationship to men at 5! But after talking it out to clarify exactly what she meant, I started to take another look at what's been going on with me lately.

My husband treats me great! He lets me know that he thinks I am beautiful, and says and treats me like he's still attracted to me...so that's not the issue.

I've been seriously struggling to recapture me before staying at home with two children!

I just can't figure it out?

It felt easier with one kid.

A part of it is practicality...

Another comfort...

Another exhaustion...

Another, the kids's schedules...

Another, my husband's work schedule...

Perhaps, I'm making a bigger deal about this than necessary.

With one kid and no stroller, high heels, great handbags, regular hair appointments, time for mani/pedis were readily available and cocktails with friends and clothes that antagonized breast-feeding were a no brainer...

I've got to find the balance...

Balance...where are you?

I've got to get this kid off my boob or clothing that prevents him from pulling them out whenever and wherever he feels like it.

I've got to get out of this rut...

What Next?????

Okay, so its now 3:31 am, approximately one hour and 10 minutes since I've put my 8 month old down for the second time and I can't believe that I am still up. No one told me that being a stay at home mom or mother included being a complete insomniac!

Anyway, its been about, 485 days since I heard the words: "Due to a company reorganization, your position is being eliminated as of today. You can pack your things and go home." At the time, I was a few weeks pregnant with my 8 month old, so those words met a variety of thoughts and emotions. At first, I was really relieved because I had so much stuff on my to-do list (that I really didn't feel like doing), not to mention the annoying sensation of morning sickness and shear exhaustion from the first trimester,but I was also a bit excited. My cube mate and I had talked in great detail about what each of us wanted the next time around when we had children. She wanted to stay home with the kids, while I said that I wanted to work but also secretly desired to stay at home as well. During my chaotic upbringing, I was programmed that a woman should work outside of the home while also juggling kids and the household and anything less was considered failure. Anyway, so when I heard those words + severance package, I mentally kicked my heels up and rode out into the sunset of being a stay-at-home mom (hereafter known as a SAHM).

But now, here I sit wondering what the hell is next for me? Now, don't get me wrong being at home has been great! I've had the opportunity to spend time and reconnect with my husband and kids, relax during my pregnancy, make new friends start my own event decorating biz but I am still hungry for more...I just can't figure out what more is! Part of my insomnia comes from the swirling questions about what's next for me and my family. Do I continue to stay at home and manage the household with the potential sacrifice of reduced shopping, less eating out, shorter family vacations, no more special wax treatments at J-sisters or massages at Oasis, Old Navy instead of J-Crew, JC Penny's instead of Bloomingdale's or Saks, doing my own manicure or going to Pinky's???? I know, it sounds a bit superficial but I'm only a mom, not DEAD! Those are the small luxuries that I've worked for and must admit that I enjoy!

I love being at home with the kids. I realized there was so much I missed out on while working a full time job, going to school, managing doctor's appointments, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, etc. Now that I am home, I can spend quality time with the kids (whatever that is) but I find it harder and harder to manage a schedule and appointments than ever before. The lack of a full schedule and other's demands has made it hard to decide what to do with the next minute, hour, day, month...

Along my 485 day journey, I have met some amazing people in small coffee shops, supermarkets, bookstores and cafes who have imparted special knowledge (some of which I'll share in later entries). But the people and knowledge that I find most fascinating are the SAHMs who've stayed home over the years and learned to cope with all of the sacrifices that I mentioned earlier. But no matter how long they talk and are excited about "living without all those things" as they aptly labeled them, I just can't get comfortable. Am I being a brat? Am I superficial? Is this the life for me are all questions that I've entertained recently.

How have you managed to cope?