Forgiveness

When was the last time you forgave someone?

I mean really built up enough courage to set your pride aside, open your mind, your heart, and your spirit...set aside your own perspective to look for deeper meaning in what someone else did or said to truly understand his/her point of view?

I ran into my mother at the supermarket the other day after a 5 month relationship hiatus.

Most of you will likely cringe (as most people usually do) when you read and process that I haven't spoken with my mother in over 5 months, but if you knew all there is to know you might...just might...sympathize.

My mother and I have always had a very strained relationship. Partially for lack of understanding...

Understanding each other's perspectives.

As a child, I could not understand her guarded, stoic, strict and impersonal demeanor and conversely I never felt she understood my basic needs to be loved, nurtured and respected.

As I grew older and learned more and more about her life, I worked very hard each day, to forgive her and help her find deeper meaning in her life and experiences, hoping that together we could heal her broken spirit, which proved a lot more difficult than I thought.

At the onset of our most recent disagreement, I accepted that I may never speak to her again because I couldn't deal with anymore of her outbursts, her lack of respect for me as a daughter, mother and wife and to shield my children from her inconsistent personality.

Day after day, I worked to put my mother behind me and focus on my family and self. But each day that I look at my children, and come up with diversions to my daughter's requests to "go see grandma," it grows harder and harder to release my relationship with my mother.

Deep down inside I know she's been through a lot...but it feels so unfair that I've always been the one to understand and constantly forgive. When does she take any responsibility for our relationship? I guess part of my frustration is around the fact that she never wanted to take true accountability for anything she's done. Not to me, not to my sisters, not to friends...I mean NO ONE.

I can admit that I am angry with my mother, but love her dearly.

I also love my children and make my own mistakes. How big or small, hurtful or not are all relative to them, as my mother's are relative to me. I could never imagine dealing with the emptiness of being without my children. But can I forgive her? How do I do it? When is the right time? Am I doing it for her? For me? For my children? I guess it's a combination of all three. The reality is that my mother may never be able to take accountability for her actions, but I need to release those feelings to become a complete woman and mother. My children need an example of forgiveness. It is my responsibility to help them learn to release what may hold them back due to an inability to forgive. They need an example for healing and moving forward...

Perhaps if I release my mother...I can overcome my constant self-examinations of how good or bad I am as a mother and can truly live, learn and forgive myself and my daily mistakes so that I can really be in the moment with my children.

But how do I do it?

Are You There God? Its Me, Latwan...

I wonder if anyone else has that one person in their life, a mother, a sister, an in-law, or a friend, who they absolutely love, but who drives them absolutely nuts????

It's been 4 days and I finally spoke with my mother. While I was avoiding her, she was off throwing a silent tantrum in protest of a recent conversation. I called to check-in, to be sure she was doing okay and without thinking, mentioned that we are planning to hire a housekeeper. Why did I do that? Immediately she jumped in with: "I can't understand why some women can't keep up with their homes!" As if the months of deliberation wasn't enough. Did I really need her to reinforce what I'd been thinking for so long...that I'm failing if I hire someone to help around the house, despite the fact that I stay at home?! Thanks Ma!

My relationship with my mother is interesting.

In her world, she's perfect.

In my world, she's wonderful but imperfect.

So, I'll continue to pray...

Are you there God? It's me, Latwan. Please give me all that is good from my mother and let her keep the rest. Please allow open and honest conversations with my daughter as she grows into a woman and learns about life. Please make us both happy with the decisions she makes for herself and her family. And please, please, please provide us with focused conversations that do not journey off to the faraway land of "I Know What's Best For You!" That's where all of the well intentioned mothers live who believe they know what's best for their daughters' lives. I do not wish to take up residency there at any point in my life.

Thanks in advance for listening and granting my prayer.

Latwan

Mrs. Right

It's been about 2 days since the last time I spoke with my mother, although she's called 4 times since then. My mom is great! She's beautiful, smart and funny, organized and meticulously clean, and has all the answers for the worlds problems, especially all of the things that I either need or should do to become a better mom and wife.

Once upon a time, my mother and I were inseparable living in the same apartment building, one floor away from each other. We talked about everything, we shopped together, laughed at the same jokes, and spent countless hours reminiscing about the past. I would say that we were the best of friends. However, I knew that we were growing apart when one morning she climbed down my fire escape because I didn't answer her call or the door. At the time, I was young and single and just started dating my now husband who stayed over the night before and just wanted a little privacy.

But then...I had my daughter five and a half years ago and boy oh boy how things have changed.

Nowadays, I set a mental timer on our phone conversations and often prepare a distraction before hand so that I can end phone conversations when she starts to remind me of all the things she did when I was small that would help me get my house and kids in order.

According to my mother I "should have all of this down pact, especially since you stay at home now!" I can't decide whether or not I'm most irritated by the timing, or if being a mom and now a SAHM is one of the most challenging things I've done so far. Usually her advice springs up during the middle of one of my 5 year olds' meltdowns, or when I make a simple statement like "I'm about to cook dinner." She will jump in and say "you should've had your dinner cooked already!" It doesn't matter if I make the comment at 5am or 5pm. If the comment is made at 5am, I should've had dinner done the night before, if the comment comes at 5pm, I should've been up at 5am to do it. If I say that my family is going out for dinner, she'll say something like "You shouldn't eat out. You need to make some cornbread for your husband and son," which always makes me laugh and say "WHAT???? What are you talking about? I don't have time to make cornbread!"

As I write this, I'm starting to think back to my childhood when my mother would get up at 5am to have dinner prepared and did have all of this mother stuff "down pact" but she was always tired and although she didn't say it, she wasn't fulfilled simply working and caring for her household which is the total antithesis of what I want. I want to take care of my home but also fulfill my personal goals in addition to the things I want to do with my children and husband. Slaving over a stove, cleaning house, changing diapers and washing clothes is just not enough for me!

If anyone knows of a nice single good looking man seeking Mrs. Right, let me know so that I can pass his info on to my mom. In the meantime...can someone send me the number to a house cleaner and some good take out restaurants in my area?

I'll talk to her in another 2 days!