AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I am feeling really alone right now. It's 5:14 am, I've been up since 4:00am preparing for a meeting this afternoon with my boss and replaying yet another argument with my husband last night.

This time, we fought over the kids. I learned to appreciate very early in our relationship that we were raised very differently and immediately knew, my husband would be the perfect compliment to everything that I wanted in a family.

He's fun, loving, spontaneous, loves and respects his family, friendly and a little disorganized.

My upbringing was very structured. Tidy home, regular routines, a system of earning and rewards and a relatively consistent mother; although void of anything that resembled nurturing and/or loving behaviors. My sisters and I knew there was an underlying purpose of love and care, but it resembled more of a military boot camp rather than a home with three little girls.

My husband's on the other hand was slightly different, tons of love and respect (albeit tough love and respect) and togetherness.

Neither of our families were rich, or able to provide anything more than we needed.

When I had my children, I decided I would be a little different than my mother. I envisioned I would maintain a home that was clean, full of routine, toghterness, love and nurturing, but my husband on the other hand has decided that we should take another road.

Because we didn't have much growing up, my husband decided that he wanted to give our children everything he never had and that everything would always be done "BIG" as he describes it. Routine structure, order and all of those other things that are high on my list of importance fall to the bottom of his.

Okay, so in the middle of this post...he decides that he has to get up and begin cleaning out of sock drawer and closet at 5:30 in the morning....ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I need a tall glass of wine....

So, my husband and I have to get back on the same page because our lives are no longer moving with the same deliberation and purpose as they once were.

I want to sleep or have quiet me time and he wants to turn on the light and clean....

I want to clean on a Saturday afternoon and he wants to sleep....

I want to put the kids down for bed and he wants to run through the house with Mouseketeer ears from our Disney vacation.

I put the kids in their beds, he takes them out and puts them in ours.

I say one snack per day and he's say three....

I just don't get it....

This is not what Bill and Claire Huxtable did...

This didn't happen in the Brady's house...

What the hell?!!!!!

Well at least I'm not lonely at this moment...and I guess I should take whatever he's willing to do and whenever he is willing to do it...because it may be a long time before he decides to pick anything up again....

What If I Were Not There?

A few weeks ago...the most freakishly scary accident almost happened involving my 13 month old son. For the most part, I thought my husband and I did a fair job of childproofing our home and would've never thought of what happened on this day.

As I were straightening up one side of my bedroom and my son played on the other, I heard a sudden cry and what sounded like my son's normal frustration about a toy he couldn't reach. After walking around my bed, I found my son's head and neck caught in the shoulder strap of one of my handbags hanging from the door! I'm sure you could imagine the panic and rush of adrenaline that took control of what I normally call my body! Rushing to detangle him...in typical mother fashion...blamed myself for not considering the strangulation risk a handbag that previously hung from the door by both straps would cause. Then I thought "What if I were not there?" With the associated risks of window blind and electric cords...how did I not think of my handbag?

I am sharing this because if you are anything like me you may never think that something like this could threaten your child's safety. You likely run your typical safety audits with some checklist that you found in a book or other source and never in a million years consider your favorite handbag a culprit for harming your child.

Forgiveness

When was the last time you forgave someone?

I mean really built up enough courage to set your pride aside, open your mind, your heart, and your spirit...set aside your own perspective to look for deeper meaning in what someone else did or said to truly understand his/her point of view?

I ran into my mother at the supermarket the other day after a 5 month relationship hiatus.

Most of you will likely cringe (as most people usually do) when you read and process that I haven't spoken with my mother in over 5 months, but if you knew all there is to know you might...just might...sympathize.

My mother and I have always had a very strained relationship. Partially for lack of understanding...

Understanding each other's perspectives.

As a child, I could not understand her guarded, stoic, strict and impersonal demeanor and conversely I never felt she understood my basic needs to be loved, nurtured and respected.

As I grew older and learned more and more about her life, I worked very hard each day, to forgive her and help her find deeper meaning in her life and experiences, hoping that together we could heal her broken spirit, which proved a lot more difficult than I thought.

At the onset of our most recent disagreement, I accepted that I may never speak to her again because I couldn't deal with anymore of her outbursts, her lack of respect for me as a daughter, mother and wife and to shield my children from her inconsistent personality.

Day after day, I worked to put my mother behind me and focus on my family and self. But each day that I look at my children, and come up with diversions to my daughter's requests to "go see grandma," it grows harder and harder to release my relationship with my mother.

Deep down inside I know she's been through a lot...but it feels so unfair that I've always been the one to understand and constantly forgive. When does she take any responsibility for our relationship? I guess part of my frustration is around the fact that she never wanted to take true accountability for anything she's done. Not to me, not to my sisters, not to friends...I mean NO ONE.

I can admit that I am angry with my mother, but love her dearly.

I also love my children and make my own mistakes. How big or small, hurtful or not are all relative to them, as my mother's are relative to me. I could never imagine dealing with the emptiness of being without my children. But can I forgive her? How do I do it? When is the right time? Am I doing it for her? For me? For my children? I guess it's a combination of all three. The reality is that my mother may never be able to take accountability for her actions, but I need to release those feelings to become a complete woman and mother. My children need an example of forgiveness. It is my responsibility to help them learn to release what may hold them back due to an inability to forgive. They need an example for healing and moving forward...

Perhaps if I release my mother...I can overcome my constant self-examinations of how good or bad I am as a mother and can truly live, learn and forgive myself and my daily mistakes so that I can really be in the moment with my children.

But how do I do it?

When Was The Last Time That You Enjoyed Something This Much?

I always have so much fun watching my kids discover and enjoy life. If you're a parent I'm sure you know that children can find enjoyment in the smallest of things that we usually take for granted.

Last month, my son turned 1 and as a treat we allowed him to have his first cone of ice cream. At first, I tried to guide him with a spoon so that he didn't make a mess and I guess on a subconscious level, it was another parental responsibility that I was fulfilling by teaching him about "the way things should be" but he ended up teaching me something...

Now although, I wouldn't stick my head and face inside of an ice cream cone, he reminded me that it is okay to let your hair down, be in the moment and just enjoy something...

When was the last time that you allowed yourself to enjoy something this much?

How Do You Do It?

Do you ever look around and wonder "Am I normal?"

Do you ever feel like a failure because you can't manage all of the competing priorities that come along with being a mother?

Do your children ever miss homework assignments, dance or soccer practice, eat pizza more than twice in one week, or comment on how "neat Grandma's house is" and how they wish theirs looked the same?

I get lucky some days and can get my daughter to and from school on time, are able to get dinner prepared and can get some other minor things done, but I'm looking around the house as I write and the piles of laundry I were folding over 8 hours ago are still not folded, there are still dishes in the sink, my desk is still a mess and the list goes on...

I felt "okay" earlier in the day knowing that I walked the dog, remembered to feed the kids and made an attempt to take my daughter to the park (she threw a terrible tantrum so we never made it), but I was okay knowing that I tried.

So as I cruise the "Mom Blogosphere" I realize that I may need to step my game up a notch!

How do these women manage to do it all while remaining sane?

Or, are they only sane as they write and go completely nuts when they get up from their computers?

I wonder...

Could anyone share their tips for getting things done each day because God knows that some of us (at least I) can certainly use them.

How do you organize your life?

Desparately Seeking Validation

How do you know when your doing a good job as a mother? Do your children tell you? Will your husband let you know? Are there clues and/or other signals from passerbys, in-laws or the like that let you know when your meeting expectations?

During my 13 year career, no matter what position I held, from Manager to HR Generalist, I always knew when my performance was a needs improvement, meeting expectation or outstanding. Job responsibilities were clearly laid out, feedback was free-flowing and continuous and there were some very concrete measurements that let me know whether or not my work was valued, i.e. a paycheck every week and a merit increase once a year.

Not so obvious as a mother. Throughout the day, I'm constantly surveying my environment and the people in it, my actions, thoughts and emotions for clues on whether or not I am doing a good job.

A couple of weeks ago, while driving home from a family outing, I asked my husband whether or not he thought I was a good mom? My husband who is usually quick, well-thought out and all-knowing of the right thing to say...was stumped. After a long pause and a 15 second mental scan he said "well...you should ask your children." At first it sounded like a good idea but then I remembered, that my 8 month old couldn't talk and my 5 year old tends to be a bit temperamental, usually accessing whether things are good or bad based on if they go her way or not. So, I was back at square one, but also wondering what did my husband think? Why couldn't he answer the question? I guess, I expected him to say, "you are a great mother" but he didn't, so now I'm wondering why didn't he? Does he question my ability as a mother as much as I do? What does a good mother look like to him?

Am I a good mother if I:

- keep an immaculately clean home.
- make sure that my children eat the healthiest organic products on the market.
- make sure that I use all green products - only natural ingredients - hold the dyes and fragrances please!
- make only wholesome homecooked meals each day served at the exact same time in the exact same order.
- maintain a tight routine of daily activities.
- attend every PTA meeting, parent workshop, outside festival, school trip, museum, and zoo.
- bake cookies and teach my daughter to bake pies.
- not cringe at my daughter's meltdowns during play dates.
- organize every play date and play date activity for my 5 year old and participate in mommy and me classes or reading with mommy at our local library once a week.
-didn't love paper plates, plastic serveware and juice boxes (100% juice of course) because they eliminated the need to do dishes.
-sing the alphabet, read The Very Hunger Caterpillar 5 times in a row, make animal sounds and funny faces no matter who's looking and laughing.
-make up words that are not a part of the English language but rhyme because they make my kids laugh.
-didn't have as many secret meltdowns as my 5 year old and her best friend combined.
-didn't envy my husband because he goes to bed before me every night and can enjoy his meals at restaurants because I'm on bathroom and diaper duty; or can always eat his food while it's hot and never eats the scraps off of the kids plates because of a lack of time.
-could remain completely engaged while my 5 year old recited every last detail of who used what color crayon to color what, who didn't color in the line during class, and all of the kids who were moved from green to red on the class' behavior chart, while attending to my 8 month old who is rolling around during a diaper change or wailing at the top of his lungs to be picked up, answering my husband's question about what's for dinner, or where one of his (fill-in blank here) misplaced items is, at the same time, making the mental note to take the dog out who is long overdue for a walk and circling like she's about to go in the house.

Well...are those the things that a good mom does?

On our way from school yesterday, my daughter described a new game that she learned to play at school called Mother and Daughter and it was her turn to be the mother. She describe in great detail what she did and why she was a nice mother to her daughter. It was really funny and cute but sadly, I also listened intently for any of my mommy behaviors that might help in my self-evaluation. She talked about going out to fun places, doing hair, dressing in pretty dresses and sharing. Was that my daughter's ideal of a good mommy? Definitely things that I do but isn't there more? Is that what she's extracted from the last 5 years together? What about the love, the discipline, the routine, the band-aids, late night bathroom trips, the morals and values we try to impart, or the care while sick, or the countless books we read, or the homework help?????

I read that children often act out what they see and experience, so I'll ask the question again...how do you know when your a good mom? Is it something you feel and know like love, or are there more tangible measures?

Look With Your Eyes and Not With Your Hands...

So, as a new SAHM, I spend more time than ever traveling around the city with my two children and I am always baffled and quite annoyed that strangers touch my children without my permission. In line at the grocery store, downtown or in my neighborhood, at Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts, at the museum or the mall...people feel comfortable touching my kids! Initially, I shoved off or snarled at anyone who would come within 3 feet of my kids, but it happens so often that I'm beginning to feel like it may be me???? I am not talking about a quick touch on the hand, I mean like, patting on the head caressing faces, pinching cheeks...what's that about? It's so bad that I now (even on days that its not raining) cover my son (who people touch the most) with his plastic stroller cover just so that strangers are not able to touch him.

Why do people like to touch other peoples' kids? I mean...how would they feel if I caressed their faces or pinched their cheeks? If I were a betting woman, I think they'd be freaked out and offended, so why touch my kids? I mean, I don't know where their hands have been. After working in an office with a shared bathroom, I've seen some pretty disgusting bathroom habits, such as not washing hands after using the toilet but shaking them off after coming out of the stall. I once overheard a female co-worker applying what sounded like some sort of feminine product in an adjoining stall and then left the bathroom without a drop of water touching her hands. Disgusting!!! Not to mention the gross nose and ear picking I witness everyday on the trains, in restaurants, or wherever or whenever someone thinks no one is looking.

I think the worst most recently, was someone rubbing my son's hair while examining my daughters' and asking the ridiculous question of whether or not they were my children...can you believe that? I was so pissed, that I snapped "keep your f!#$king hands off of my kids!" Completely out of character but I was so upset that someone had the audacity to touch my kids and then ask if they were mine!

It's happening so frequently that I often wonder...is it me? What would you do if a stranger touched your child? Vote in my poll.