Okay, so its now 3:31 am, approximately one hour and 10 minutes since I've put my 8 month old down for the second time and I can't believe that I am still up. No one told me that being a stay at home mom or mother included being a complete insomniac!
Anyway, its been about, 485 days since I heard the words: "Due to a company reorganization, your position is being eliminated as of today. You can pack your things and go home." At the time, I was a few weeks pregnant with my 8 month old, so those words met a variety of thoughts and emotions. At first, I was really relieved because I had so much stuff on my to-do list (that I really didn't feel like doing), not to mention the annoying sensation of morning sickness and shear exhaustion from the first trimester,but I was also a bit excited. My cube mate and I had talked in great detail about what each of us wanted the next time around when we had children. She wanted to stay home with the kids, while I said that I wanted to work but also secretly desired to stay at home as well. During my chaotic upbringing, I was programmed that a woman should work outside of the home while also juggling kids and the household and anything less was considered failure. Anyway, so when I heard those words + severance package, I mentally kicked my heels up and rode out into the sunset of being a stay-at-home mom (hereafter known as a SAHM).
But now, here I sit wondering what the hell is next for me? Now, don't get me wrong being at home has been great! I've had the opportunity to spend time and reconnect with my husband and kids, relax during my pregnancy, make new friends start my own event decorating biz but I am still hungry for more...I just can't figure out what more is! Part of my insomnia comes from the swirling questions about what's next for me and my family. Do I continue to stay at home and manage the household with the potential sacrifice of reduced shopping, less eating out, shorter family vacations, no more special wax treatments at J-sisters or massages at Oasis, Old Navy instead of J-Crew, JC Penny's instead of Bloomingdale's or Saks, doing my own manicure or going to Pinky's???? I know, it sounds a bit superficial but I'm only a mom, not DEAD! Those are the small luxuries that I've worked for and must admit that I enjoy!
I love being at home with the kids. I realized there was so much I missed out on while working a full time job, going to school, managing doctor's appointments, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, etc. Now that I am home, I can spend quality time with the kids (whatever that is) but I find it harder and harder to manage a schedule and appointments than ever before. The lack of a full schedule and other's demands has made it hard to decide what to do with the next minute, hour, day, month...
Along my 485 day journey, I have met some amazing people in small coffee shops, supermarkets, bookstores and cafes who have imparted special knowledge (some of which I'll share in later entries). But the people and knowledge that I find most fascinating are the SAHMs who've stayed home over the years and learned to cope with all of the sacrifices that I mentioned earlier. But no matter how long they talk and are excited about "living without all those things" as they aptly labeled them, I just can't get comfortable. Am I being a brat? Am I superficial? Is this the life for me are all questions that I've entertained recently.
How have you managed to cope?